CONSTANTINE (R) *1/2

 

Directed by Francis Lawrence. 121 minutes.

Starring Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Pruitt Taylor Vince, Tilda Swinton, Peter Stormare, Gavin Rossdale and Djimon Hounsou. Released by Warner Brothers Pictures.

 

It’s probably not for the best that I’m not sure what to make of Constantine, a film that Warner Brothers appears to have high hopes for a franchise when, in fact, audiences will likely flock to see it in its first week of release and then talk about how strange it is. Though it is advertised as an action thriller, this film plays more like Even Cowgirls Get the Blues if it were co-directed by Michael Bay and the Wachowski Brothers. There are a number of odd characters that float in and out of the film and the premise – please allow me to collect my thoughts on exactly what the premise of this film is- allows too often for the film to veer wildly out of control. Put it this way, the demons that John Constantine (Keanu Reeves) fights in the movie are more Groucho Marx than they are Linda Blair (though there are two scenes directly reminiscent of The Exorcist) and Tilda Swinton plays the Angel Gabrielle similarly to how Cate Blanchett plays Katherine Hepburn in The Aviator, only with wings and a violent temperament.

 

Where can I begin? Constantine, as a young man, saw demons among the living and tried to ignore them. That didn’t work. He tried committing suicide, which only guaranteed him a place in hell, but did not actually kill him. Therefore, he spends his days exorcising demons and spouting witty one-liners like, “Go to hell.” Where he learned to extract a demon from a young girl and trap inside a mirror, then toss the mirror out of a three-story building to the concrete remains a mystery. He meets up with a cop (Rachel Weisz), who never seems to show up for work, just follow Keanu around. Her sister committed suicide (or did she…?) and has been damned to hell. Weisz enlists Constantine to find out what happened. The reason for her leap from the building, which we learn later in the film, is a slightly roundabout plan that is being collaborated by two of the film’s characters. It would seem that there might be an easier way to pull off the same plan. Those silly demons.

 

An assortment of unforgettable characters are introduced during the course of the film. I say unforgettable because they are just that. Who can forget Bush (the band, not the president) front man Gavin Rossdale’s demon character, Balthazar, who comes off as a really mean Willie Wonka. Or Tilda Swinton’s aforementioned Gabrielle. Then, there is Djimon Hounsou unexplainable Papa Midnight, who owns a nightclub for demons that requires a really odd series of passwords for entry. Last, but certainly not least, is Peter Stormare’s flamboyant Lucifer, who looks like a 1980s New Wave band member dressed up like a used car salesman.

 

Constantine finds out that the gates of hell are to be opened and demons will walk among the living. This is discovered in one of the film’s few neat special effects sequences, of which there are many. Yes, many. In the scene, a man made up of crabs, snakes and insects attacks Keanu on a busy highway. Less effective are the scenes in hell, which look not too far removed from the sets of Dune or Heaven’s Gate, two films whom to be compared to is not flattery. All the while, an unexplainable plotline in which, I kid you not, a random Mexican man is running around with a small spear that kills cows when he walks by them.

 

The film feels long, most likely because of the several trick endings as the film reaches its climax(es). Only here, instead of the villain(s) resurrecting after we think he/she is dead, there are endless conversations between a number of characters, some good and some bad. Then, we have a final sequence after the credits in which another character is resurrected. But is he good or bad after resurrection? Yikes. I’m probably making Constantine sound really bad when, in fact, it is more so ineffective. There are good things here- Keanu’s performance gets the job done (especially considering how oddly everyone else behaves here), some of the special effects and sets work, the art direction is creative and, if nothing else, the film is unique in its own strange way. But, alas, it just does not work. While Constantine the character, through helping others, is trying to work his way into heaven, Constantine the movie could have at least shot for purgatory.